Pop.

I've been buying time, little bits. Little injections, barely a few milliliters. Every time, it hurts like hell. Makes me wonder if this is the best idea.

But I have no choice. Not anymore. If I die, then I die. I've got my will ready, the ducks have their orders. They'll do me proud, like always. But there's still the chance... The chance that it'll fix things. That it'll fix me. I'm tired of being a freak. I'm tired of being afraid of myself, of what this island is turning me into.

I'll admit it, since no one else is going to see this. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I do this. ...But I'm even more afraid of what's going to happen if I don't. If I let it happen. If I don't escape. I'm running out of air. The bubble's kept me in here for far too long. I've been breathing my own air for a long time now.

I'm ready for some fresh air. I'm ready to see the world outside the bubble. And I'm not going to let my fear, or anything else, for that matter, stop me from popping the bubble.

I didn't have you for very long, but... you served me well. I'd bring you with me, but... you'd probably just get in the way. You understand, right? Why I'm leaving you? I mean, I told you a few things, but... do you really understand?

...It's okay. It's okay if you don't. It doesn't change anything. I still appreciate what you've done. I appreciate you being there for me... even if it was only for a little while. Who knows? We may see each other again. It's possible, isn't it?

...They're about done setting up the perimeter. Time to do this.

Gamble.

It's getting worse.

I don't know what's happening to me, and I don't know why it's gone this far. The only think I can even say that I'm even a bit certain about is that I don't have much time.

Before what, you ask? I honestly don't know. And I don't want to stick around to find out.

If anytime is a good time to test out Project Probable, then it's now. It might kill me. It might not. It probably won't, though. I've been very careful about downing the negative effects. At this point, I'm at least 93.6% certain that it's consumable. All I have to do is make the proper preparations.

It's weird. At some point in the past, there might have been a few things holding me back from going through with this. Now, I only realize that I have nothing else to lose. Not anymore. Any regrets that I may have are either off-island, or... gone. Disappeared. Don't know where they are. If they come back to find me gone, then... well, it's their loss.

Who knows? When I get out there, and I finish my business... then I might even come back. Might. It depends on how it is out there, really... and it depends if I can even survive out there long enough.

I've been lucky in the past, though. I don't see why I can't be lucky this time.

Trust.

I fucking hate infections. Especially here. Off-island, I could probably handle. A bit of high fever, bit of aching, sweating, chills, whatever. I can deal with that just fine.

On-island? The wounds turn green. And start spewing out what I can only assume to be caterpillars. They're kinda maggot-like, the way they move, but... they feel soft. Fuzzy, even. Almost yarn-like.

Thankfully, none of them have started speaking Spanish yet.

I've got Jacob on the case. Didn't want to, but, well... You know how he is. He would have strapped me down if he had to.

I mean, don't get me wrong. He's a good doctor and all. Can't remember a single time when he couldn't help me out with an injury, or some new biological transformation, or whatever. And he's usually willing to help with anything else I'm having trouble with. Y'know, just to talk or whatever. It's just... well. A couple of things. For one thing, I already owe him big time, and don't feel like piling up the debt much more.

And for another... He sort of sets me on-edge.

It's not the blood-soaked coat, or the weird experiments. It's the resemblance. To One. He's obviously a different person, of course. But there's just a few tiny things that, when you add them up, sort of get to me.

Like the fact that he just moved in to the sanctum. And that he's... married to the same woman. (Still think that was a dumb fucking idea, marrying at a time like that. Then again, I don't get why anyone would marry, anyway.) Or maybe it's the secrets. I mean, I'm fine with secrets, whatever. Everyone's got theirs. But when it comes to him... For some reason, I don't like thinking that he's got too many dark secrets. I want to trust him.

I never really trusted One. I always knew he'd double-cross me one way or another. Maybe I sometimes hoped that I could trust him, or just tried to trust him, but I didn't. ...Though in the end, it still hurt when he left.

...I'm getting way off-topic. The thing is... I don't have many people that I really trust anymore. Like, maybe. Respect, sure, whatever. But trust... it just doesn't come all that easy. If I'm going to trust anyone, though, then it wouldn't hurt for it to be my doctor.

I know he'll help me through this and all, but sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to come close to repaying him.

Reruns.

I've finally figured it out. How to make my merchandise stain-proof. ...Sort of.

It was inspired by something Kikuru said, actually. I've been spending my time testing it and thinking through all the calculations, gathering materials, etc.

By the way, joker-math is fucking weird. Just so you know. But I've gotten the hang of it, mostly.

Only problem with my current method is that I won't be able to apply it to things that I've already knit. It has to be spun into the yarn for it to work, so once the yarn's all knotted up into a pretty tea cozy, it's more than a little too late.

So I won't be able to make the scarf I gave Jacob stain-proof. Doesn't mean I'm giving up, though. Don't think that I am. I know you are. You don't know me well enough to know otherwise, though, so I'll let it slide... this time.

But yeah, Kikuru's back. Was a bit of a surprise. Hadn't seen him for ages, and he just appeared out of nowhere in my shop the other day. And he looked exactly the same. Like he hadn't even aged a day. (Lucky bastard.) Seemed well, though. Didn't buy anything. Yet. But he will. He will.

Speaking of reruns, Ko's gone and turned himself into a mushroom again. On purpose. Trying to prove something, like that other side of his isn't there. Pretty stupid, if you ask me. He turned into a mushroom before, and that didn't stop him from appearing again. Poor kid, trying to convince himself that he's "cured".

Thing is, you can't just cure something like that. He's acting out for a reason, you know? Everyone has that side of them. I'm pretty sure that if Ko just let himself go every once in a while instead of just focus on being some sort of improbable super-Jesus all the time, then he wouldn't have this problem.

Ah, well. He'll figure it out eventually. Besides, weird as it sounds, I kind of like Ko as a mushroom. Easier to toss around.

Still, though, with both Ko going mushroom again and Kikuru coming back... It's making me think. Maybe this is a sign. A sign that something's going to happen. Maybe more people will come back. Maybe Devin, or Katt, or the other people that worked at the KRI Maybe I'll hear from Citize Maybe I'll finally get to see Otacon aga



...I doubt that any good will come of this.

So.

Supposedly, when you start a diary, the first entry should be about who you are, your daily life, all that shit. Well, no one else is going to read this besides me, and I know who I am. So instead, I've got a few questions for you.

Why start a diary?

Is is because of the fact that people, for some reason, constantly feel the urge to talk? We're naturally sociable creatures. I know that by now. Some of us are less social than others, but it can't be denied that people do, at least at some points in their lives, enjoy the company of other people.

...Well, okay, so it can be denied, technically, but that makes the people that think that wrong, you see. ...Except when I thought it. I wasn't wrong then. I was just in denial. There's a difference.

But seriously. Why are we social creatures? Why do we constantly seek companionship? For reproductive purposes? Possibly, but in that case, what's the point of having friends? I've got a theory about that. A theory that, especially in a place like this, people seek companionship in an attempt to keep what little civility they have left. To prevent themselves from becoming yet another one of the thousands of monsters that populate the island, only to be slaughtered by other contestants.

Also, I've got another question. It might be a little harder than the last one.

Is finding companionship in a non-sentient journal a sign of insanity?

For that matter, what is sanity? And in a world filled with violent, sentient food, small, smelly drunken people, legions of undead, man-eating flora, and super-powered assholes, is it something worth keeping around, even if it means having to constantly live with the fact that you might be the only one with any sanity left?

I don't know how many answers I'll find by writing in this. But as long as I still have answers to seek, then I've got no choice but to seek them. After all, there's no point in having questions unless you at least try to find an answer.